“I once was lost, but now am found.”
This is for those who have heart.
I saw her every now and then, never on a daily basis.
I always made sure I never made a fool of myself when I was around her.
I tried to show her the side of me that I was proud of.
The side of me I truly wanted to be.
The man inside of me.
What began as me testing the waters, asking a few questions, eventually grew to me entertaining the notion, that i could really ask this girl out.
And as luck would have it, I really did.
I asked her out.
I did a little stalking at first.
Her birthday was also in October.
I tried to find a Marigold, and had no success.
And so it was just a typical rose i bought for her, but I had also wrote her a poem, and kept it for a week.
I wrote so diligently, carefully including what i knew about her, and what I’d hope I could show her in as few words as possible, while still maintaining the illusion that the whole purpose of the poem wasn’t simply just to flatter her.
I leaned against the passenger door of my sisters now broken Kia, and waited for her to pull into the employee parking lot of where we worked at.
After a few moments, right on cue, she arrived for her shift, and I watched as she stepped out of her truck. Her long hair flowing as she slipped her work hat on, and pushed towards the front door.
I continued leaning against the car door, face down so as to not raise any suspicion.
As soon as she had stepped inside, I called the inside of the store, asked a friend of a favor.
He turned her around, and she made her way back outside.
She nudged the door open, and her eyes wandered about as i put a sense of urgency in my step, while walking towards her, so as to introduce myself into the imaginative inquiry i had sought in my head.
I handed her the rose, and [THE QUESTION] I’d wrote for her.
And she stood, so confused, with the slightest grin on her face, and asked me questions, and I stumbled after my words, and lost sight of my goal as i grew lost in her stare.
“I want you to read this, and don’t read it right now, just get back to me, because if you blew me off right now, I don’t think I could take it.” I said.
“When do you want me to get back to you?”
“You know, just whenever.”
How childish. Yet, how bold.
I skipped away on a cocaine rainbow, invigorated by what i thought was success, and yet it hadn’t had time to be measured.
She found me on Facebook, Twitter, DeviantArt, and my blog.
I quickly found that she’d started stalking me just as much.
T’was no secret, she was drawn to me.
And then i read some painful words, she’d so carefully taken the time to express to me, in a Facebook message.
She was taken by another man.
And so for a few days nothing else mattered.
Only the cold sting of defeat.
I was in the middle of my first month trying a new depression medicine, and i had thought it was going well.
It wasn’t.
After a month, of trudging through work, of pretending, of not even wanting to talk, i went to places deep in my head, places that even I knew were too dangerous.
I went so deep, I knew i couldn’t linger, or I’d never come back.
I couldn’t see that the conclusion i was left with after all the progress I’ve made in my life, and with my pursuit of her, was so simple.
I only thought of how I couldn’t be with her, or anyone for that matter.
I could only brood, dwelling in gloom.
In all of my free time, she’d be the only one i could talk to.
The only one I could STAND to talk to.
Even though it kept ripping the scab off the same old wound, I loved it.
In my free time, I’d go back to that place in my head, that darkened realm of despair in which I almost felt ready to welcome the pain, as if all my hope in all my life had been a lie.
I lived in that dark realm, for quite some time now.Â
One night, I sat for almost an hour, wanting only to plunge my knife into my leg, just to feel something different.
Another night, I called the Suicide Hotline because I couldn’t sleep and I just wanted someone to talk to.
Some old fart answered, and breathed heavy on the other end of the phone. He reminded me of a fat guy who works at the local chicken joint in town.
He muttered a lot of moans, and groans, and sighs of agreement and discontent, before he finally said the most helpful words I’d heard that entire day. ‘Good Night.’
I grew angry and bitter, and saw myself changing, I was miserable. The longer I went on, the more I saw myself acting like someone who didn’t want to get better.
I kept returning to the darkness in my head, because for the longest time it was the only thing that fed my soul, and like a drug, I wanted it. I lusted for it. But I also grew sick of it.
I saw myself, becoming the very thing that stood in the way of my happiness. I saw myself ruining everything I’d worked for.
And so I quit taking the medicine. I stepped out of my comfort zone for a few days. I took a few chances, and learned to live a little.
Its a day by day thing.
We talked day in and day out.
We had a few fights.
And even through the anger, I still chose my words carefully. I spoke from my heart, and not that darkness I’d been living in.
We had a break.
And then a break through.
I made peace with the situation I was faced with, and I rose above it.
I stood up and dusted myself off.
It was then I had wrote [THE ANSWER].
A summary of my defeat in my own words, but with a clever little twist so as to ACTUALLY BE WORTH READING.
I asked her one night to read it.
She already beat me to it.
That simple act, gave me a better understanding for the relationship we were building, as friends, as two souls, somehow brought together amidst the endless sea of others.
I always flirted, she never acknowledged it, she never gave into it.
Not quite like you wanted to, am I right baby?
I used my heart, my soul, my words, my faith, and my strength, as tools, as weapons of romance, to be fought in a war for her heart.
At some point it became very clear to me, that I was trying to win her over, while following the code.
I couldn’t let her cheat.
She had to stay clean. If she cheated on him, any possible future for us would possibly be riddled with guilt.
I could only remind her constantly of what she deserved, and be there as a companion, and after all that’s what I wanted the most.
We had an afternoon planned to watch a movie and spend some time together.
We’d talked about honesty, and being open, and taking risks.
She and He, well, they had a falling out.
And I guess it was a risk she was willing to take.
However, She was ALWAYS faithful.
A few days after stepping back into the void of single life, all the pigs came from the woodwork.
Somehow, I think I became a light through that darkness for her. Like she was for me, when I needed it.
She made her way into my life.
We sat in her truck and talked for hours one day.
I finally convinced her to come inside.
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Nothing was more important than that first step, the very first moment she trusted me.
Her trust was such a precious thing, and it needed to be nurtured, to be cared for.
I badgered her into letting me take a picture of her in front of my angel design.
She said yes. And I’d kept my word. Still haven’t shown that picture to another living soul.
She sat in my recliner and watched as I only pretended to play guitar.
How simple minded of me to think I had to pull out the big guns, to impress her all in the first night.
Maybe I doubted I had enough of anything in me to show for myself on another night, if given the chance.
She started to make her way downstairs as it was getting late.
She found a stick bug crawling around the stairs. We picked him up and let him roam our bodies back and forth and we talked for hours.
I always began my ascent up the stairs, tilting my head down to the left, as to glimpse at her as she drove off.
Well, I would probably never admit that the first few times I did it by accident, and NOW it’s by design, that I want to catch that final sight of her, as we end our day together.
But now that I know she looks back at me, and waits for that look, well maybe I can have some fun with it.
And thus began a pattern.
Another day she’d talked me into watching one of her favorite movies.
She watched it, I just played with her hair.
So mesmerized by her appearance, and so grateful for her company, was I.
I was all in.
I opened up completely. Even though i was scared there was parts of me that she wouldn’t like, i had to be honest with her.
I felt it was time to right my life, and I’d try to do the same for her.
And so there was no more lies. I was gonna be all heart, and all effort.
And worked at it. I really worked at it.
She often skips her meals because shes so busy.
One night she came in for her shift, and I covered for her so she could eat the lunch I’d made for her.
A small platter with a little dessert, neatly organized condiments, and a lid with her name, sat waiting for her, as she arrived that night.
She once mentioned that she’d forgot her earrings in her bag at school, and I promised not to let her forget them.
“I’ll remind you in the morning.”
“Won’t you be asleep?” She said.
“Won’t you be at school?” I replied. A clever ruse to hide myself from the truth that I was only trying to find ways to reach out to her.
Her birthday came, a few days before Halloween.
I wrote her a haiku.
It probably wasn’t perfect, but to not try was to not care, and I certainly cared.
She enjoyed her [BIRTHDAY HAIKU].
I’d folded it multiple times, and forced it into a self-made box of post-it notes, the word OPEN underlined thrice.
Fast forward another day or so, and it was Halloween.
I’d made her a blank mask from paper machè, as I was making one for myself this year.
I always looked for ways to include her in my life, in my activities, to make her feel important.
I coaxed her into writing lyrics for [SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES].
You did a stellar job by the way, sweetie.
She’d made me wait for days, and made me promise not to kiss her.
She needed time and I already knew in my head she would be drawn to me, and so it was the right thing to do.
I respected her wishes, I gave her space, and I sat by hoping to force whatever pain it was out of her head, by making new memories.
I told her “I can’t make the mean old memories go away, if you won’t let me make new ones.”
One night as she lay in my bed, and we held hands, I pleaded for her attention and I made my case.
“You’re hurting. That’s okay. I will wait, but I’m not him.”
A long beat of silence as we sat in close quarters, focused solely on our breathing.
“I’m not him. Say it.”
And she did.
“Say it again.” I asked.
“You’re not him.”
I leaned so close to her, I could feel the warmth of the blood running through her body, the unsteady beat of her heart as she let me draw near.
“Keep saying it until you believe it.”
She said it a few more times, softly.
I drew my lips to hers, then pulled away from the peak of contact.
I began teasing her, and I no longer knew who I was in that moment, I only knew that I wanted to taste what I’d long sought after.
“Tell me you want my kiss.”
She stayed silent for a beat.
“Tell me you want it.”
“I want your kiss.”
Well I made it out with a kiss that night, so I’d say I’d won the fight.
I know only what it means to love her now. She is the reason I find meaning.
One night, she’d brought over a message for me.
I was fetching a drink off my counter when she said “Look under the envelope.”
The title read [THE ANSWER 2.0].
I smiled as I subtly began learning how it really felt to be loved back.
I chuckled, and smiled, and thanked her, but inside I was humble and honored that I’d stirred something so powerful inside someone. I thought it couldn’t be true, she’s falling for me too.
I’d never known what that was like.
I have you to thank for helping teach me what it means to be loved. I owe that to you, sweetie.
I’d never even imagined what it felt like to be loved.
We joked for days about me asking her out again.
We both knew it wasn’t necessary, that she’d say yes at any given moment, I need only ask.
She said I was enough.
But she will always be more than enough for me.
And I will always long to win her heart.
I told her I’d ask her out Tuesday.
The date 11/11 would prove easy to remember just in case we didn’t have the perfect night we either of us expected.
So, she waited Tuesday, probably timid from excitement and wonder.
I was a different man that day.
I leaped from my bed, there was no way I was snoozing that morning.
I walked to the Barbershop, waiting thirty minutes just to get a nasty part of my hair cut off so I didn’t look like a dork for the special event of the night.
I rushed over to Walmart, hurriedly gathering all the candles I needed, and found a makeshift bandana in a sample piece of fabric from the sewing aisle.
I was late to work.
When I had free time, I was in the back, taking a paragraph or two from everything that I’d ever written her.
I was combining the good parts, and I was telling our story chronologically.
This was my second chance, and I had to make it count.
When our closing manager came in, I told her my plan.
If the glint in my eyes couldn’t relay my passion, maybe the clarity of my voice did as I spoke calmly and firmly throughout the day.
I told her the plan with specific instructions.
The lobby would close at 11.
At 10:55 we would be on our way, for some casual late night food run, where I would blindfold her and lead her inside.
When we arrive, there was to be a tealight candle on each table near the far left table where we would be sitting.
And on our table, where we would be having a prepared meal, there would be a large candle and two smaller ones.
The closing manager had gathered a tablecloth for us to use that night, and I thanked her for that at the end of the night by letting her keep the big candle.
I’d had a rose delivered to me at work that day, and I’d stored it in the Freezer there.
I’d gotten off work and went grocery shopping and all sorts of various activities that afternoon, and almost every hour i would casually mention how my plans for that night, had fallen through, and I didn’t think I was going to ask her that night after all.
She’d brought a movie and tried to get me to watch it, and I half watched as I finished the final version of [THE DAWN IS FOR YOU] which by any other name is still [THE QUESTION 2.0].
10:50 rolled towards us, as I drug her reluctantly from my bed and forced her into her truck for some late night food, before she had to go home for the day.
The entire drive, I couldn’t come to grips with what I was doing.
Until I got there, that is.
I blindfolded her with the ‘bandana’ that smelled like bananas, and held her hand as I led her into the restaurant.
I motioned to my boss to retrieve my rose I’d bought for her, from the Freezer.
They lit the candles as I read what I’d written for her.
I fumbled my words, and barely muttered my way through it all, but I’d finally gotten through the reading.
There was no flawless execution, and she probably didn’t hear a single damn word I said.
I can only hope she was as nervous as I was.
They hit the lights off, and the lobby was illuminated.
It was illustrious.
Wasn’t it baby?
Illuminated; If not by the dim glows, if not by the fire, then by the embers caused by the burning in our hearts.
I said “You can take the blindfold off.”
I fell to one knee, and held up the rose.
And the words just rang:
“Will you go out with me?”
She nodded, she teared up a little, she spoke calmly.
She stole my heart.
You took me, baby. You’ve taken my heart.
I held her, and we rejoiced.
There was mocking and laughter from the back of the Kitchen as we ate.
At 11:11, I revealed to her the time, as a romantic nod to the symbols of our love.
I made a short video.
The dialogue stood out:
“I’m making a video, to marvel at my handiwork.”
I walked in a few circles showing the candlelit tables before making my way back to our table.
“So babe, let me ask you a question. I bought you this rose, and I made you this dinner, and I asked you out.”
As she entered the top frame of the camera shot, her smile came into view.
“And what did you say?”
She smiled wider.
“I said yes.” She whispered whilst playing with the rose.
“Yeah you did!” I exclaimed so arrogantly.
Few things will ever compare to these memories I hold of letting someone so deeply into my soul, and my life.
There’s also few things I wouldn’t do to guard this love, and nurture this commitment I started.
And so, this is what’s happened the past month of my life.
I met someone who calms the chaos in my heart.
Who braves the storm that is my worries, and doubts, and lets me live the way I want to live.
Someone who makes me better, and makes me want to be better.
I’m never going back.
I’m never giving up.
I’m never going down.
You make me come alive.
I’m so very glad I met you.
Written by Haven.
2014 1115 2200
TOGETHER 