I followed my heart,
Blind of the path, and the fox,
A fool to danger.
And into the dark,
I ran alongside the fox,
Chasing dreams of night.
When i found myself,
Swallowed up by the darkness,
I had to turn back.
Hoping to lure me,
Into his unknown chaos,
The fox was outfoxed.
Written by Haven.
2015 0129 0509
I am happy.
It really is just so simple, to be happy. I know for the most part I think I’m not doing anything wrong. I tell myself it’s something about me, something I was born with, to plague me for all of my days.
I worry. I over think. I agonize. I analyze.
I used to hurt myself like that.
I spent most of my life trying to be someone I would be proud of, someone that I, myself could love. Someone that could easily be loved by others as well.
Most of my life, I chased after “a better me”.
And now, that I’ve gotten somewhere, I just don’t believe it. Now, that I am loved, that I’ve made a name, and a life for myself it seems all to be too amazing.
I feel so undeserving. As though I will ruin any chances of a better thing in an already humbling adventure.
But even more so than any of my doubts or fears, I feel happy.
I’m in love.
I love my life.
I feel truly happy.
And I am beyond giving that up.
Any excuse to give up or run away is no longer an option.
Whatever challenges I’m facing, they probably aren’t as intimidating as the ones I’ve battled in my head.
So I try not to make a tornado, when I’ve just got plenty of oxygen.
I’m beginning to understand that if you spend your life, trying to become somebody, at some point you’re going to become somebody.
You need not concern, or frighten, or unnerve yourself daily, by thinking only of the obstacles, nightmares, and mishaps, of a future we cannot be all too certain of.
How is it that I couldn’t see how far I’ve come?
How is it that I still thought of myself as a nobody?
When it was I, who saw me through the steps of this life.
When it was I, who carried me through the depressions of time.
It was I who went this distance, those great miles.
I was strong and I reached my destination.
This business of never letting go, of hurting myself, of hanging onto things that have never come and will never pass, could destroy my spirit. The spirit inside, I hoped of saving.
But even misery has a glint of hope.
When you search for the hope, you find it.
And you can find happiness too.
It all begins with you, and whatever you’re keeping inside of you.
Whatever carries you through your days, and leaves you trembling in the nights.
You have to let it go. Send the bad away.
You’ll never make good memories if you’re dwelling on the bad ones.
Never find a new way, if you’re still following the old one.
Never fall in love, if you’re filling yourself with hate.
There is a light inside you, and you dim it with your worry.
A fire, smothering in doubts.
A beautiful heart, you’ve broken with fear.
It is your fear that keeps you broken, and your fear will take you nowhere.
See now, that you are loved, as I am loved.
You are loved. You are brave.
Now say it.
I am loved. I am brave.
I surrender.
Written by Haven.
2014 1221 0320
A moment to reflect on the wall in the ‘lounge’.
It reads:
And so there’s a storm,
It’ll never pass, it’ll never fade.
And so the waves are so heavy,
You’ll drown if you try to wade.
And so there’s a boat,
Almost hidden by darkness and shade.
And so rescue is near,
But oh, I tire from the wait.
Written by Haven.
2014 0922 0414
Look in the mirror,
admire God’s work, and then,
weep for what you’ve lost.
Written by Haven.
2014 0915 1934
April 26, 2014
It was a saturday. I remember going next door to “Chuey’s” place. A friend of a friend. Not really a friend at all really.
I showed up and went through the motions of grabbing a beer and throwing myself into one of the wooden chairs to watch whatever fighting game they were playing at the moment. I smoked a cigarette while waiting for the controller to get passed around back to me. Everyone was getting their ass kicked that night.
I know before i went to bed, i wanted to finish every last cigarette in the box, but i ended up passing out with one smoke left.
April 27, 2014
First thing to do was smoke a smoke. First thing was first.
No more smokes. Totally broke. Day off.
My bad budget was a blessing in disguise.
April 29, 2014
Slim “thuggah”. Slim fast. Not so slim.
J-Remy. Janky. The Jank.
They called him these things because he was the jankiest son of a bitch you’ll ever meet. His catch phrase; You’ve been janked.
His janky ass talked me into taking a smoke break that day at work.
I went to the dumpster area, and after a brief moment i lit the cigarette. I took a drag, and felt guilty. A feeling of overwhelming guilt. I hit it twice and i hit it hard.
I came back inside and gave him the rest of his cigarette as proof that I’d hit it at least once.
Sure it was unhealthy to completely quit smoking at once. Cold-Turkey. What with the withdrawal and all the symptoms it brought with it. But if you ask me smoking was the problem.
How could it also be the solution?
I got sick, really sick. Coughing, choking, not eating, and certainly not moving. The day it came, i stayed home to purge.
Nothing felt right, but when does everything actually feel right as a smoker? You’d trade a whole meal for one cigarette.
Any single person could tell you how crazy that is. How the cigarette makes you fake happy. But if you’re looking for real happiness, you won’t find it in smoking. The sad thing is now that I’ve quit, all i want is to go back. I see now how it masked my depression, and its not because i miss it, or want to fit in, but because sometimes i feel like I’d rather have the fake joy that comes with smoking, than the pain that comes with not smoking.
And that is my dilemma.
Much like everything else though, I’ve come to embrace the struggle. Even if it sounds nice, it’s not what i REALLY want. It’s not who i REALLY am.
I have enough problems in this life, i don’t want to make any more. For me or for anyone else.
And so, after over four years of smoking, day in and day out, it was over.
A step in a new direction.
I tend to have a lot of things to say about generally any subject, but for something I’ve lived with so long, i really don’t have much to say about quitting smoking. I know that if i can’t even write more than thirty minutes about it, it’s not worth much to me.
I’m not sure if its hope, or regret, but it’s finally over.
I’m finished.
2014 0629 2145
TOGETHER 