INSIDE

All my life I’ve kept to myself. I’m looked down on from strangers. Sometimes i get these looks and i just don’t know how other people feel when they get those kind of looks but i know exactly how i feel. I feel lonely.

When you feel lonely you tell yourself things about your goals in life. Things you know you can’t have now or soon, but things you can have eventually. For lonely people, when it comes to the things or people you want, it’s a waiting game.

I taught myself everything i could about being a man, to be prepared for life, to have fun, stay smart, and stay off of drugs and live a good life, and in order to do that i had to put off some things in life. I had to skip out on things that most people start off with. A few of those things is partying, dating, and just having a good time with your friends. I missed out on a lot of those experiences in my younger years, but none more so than dating. I was always a thinking man, and growing up broke i always assumed that i had nothing for anyone to be attracted to, or more specifically that I was nobody that anyone could be attracted to. I don’t have any regrets, i just have a head full of dreams, but it seems the sadness in my heart, lacks the motivation to make me chase said dreams.

I think about my sex life (or lack thereof) every now and then, and in that respect, i addressed something lately. See i feel as though my absence of sexual experiences has led to performance anxiety and the worry of my performance with a girl far outweighs the fun it would provide for the both of us, so to save both parties a little embarrassment i try not to tempt myself. I guess maybe I’m celibate or whatever, i’m not entirely certain, but i mean sure i flirt, sure i crush, i mess around, and daydream about girls all day long like everyone else, but for the longest time i would never let myself pursue one. I shoved everyone away who had tried to pursue me. I didn’t feel ready, i didn’t feel confident, and ironically i didn’t feel wanted, but more importantly i didn’t feel like i had earned love. It felt too easy. And to describe that better, i have to put it like this, if i haven’t done something the hard way, i don’t deserve it. That’s just how i raised myself i guess. I’m not a stranger to hard work.

When i think of myself dating, i want to be ready. I want to quit smoking, have my own place, be able to drive. I want to know who i am, and just take a small dip into that sexual / party life, that way I’ll remember who i am, and therefore lower the risk of the new life consuming me, or becoming a bad habit.  I wanted to make sure i was someone, who had something, to offer someone else. I have a heavy heart, in the sense i could cuddle for hours, tell long stories and do absolutely nothing but still make a girl feel like shes having the time of her life, i know WHO i am, but i just feel like love isnt enough anymore.

And it terrifies me.

SINCE I WAS CONSCIOUS, I’d tell myself, “Never lose hope.”,”Stay good. Stay true.”, and now even though i feel like I’ve never had a better grip on my life, i feel like I’m also slipping as well. I don’t wanna lose myself.

Sure, love is enough for ME, but not everyone feels the same was as me. Maybe I CAN date now, and transition smoothly while having a relationship, but i feel like no girl would ever want to go through those choppy uncertain parts of life with anyone but themselves. And whose to say that she would stick around until then anyways. What if she just wrote me off as a failure before we ever had a chance. Haunting questions indeed, I’m trying now to see them more as excuses, trying to scare me away from life, from love, and everything in between.

I work at a food place, and when you get good at your job, everything becomes too easy. You have a lot of downtime, to be with yourself, and think about things. And the strangest thing is when you see strangers and you watch the subtle things each one of them do. You see the smiles, nods, and eyes rolling, and it really has a way of making you think about yourself. These are the kinds of thoughts that flow in and out of my mind every time i see a stranger. And in that respect i can finally address what i guess is the whole point of this writing; not just strangers, but pretty strangers: girls, ladies, women.

 All it takes is one smile to make you wanna reevaluate your whole life. Maybe that’s what I’m doing now. See, it doesn’t matter what she looks like, how she talks, or the subtlety of her ignoring your existence. It doesn’t matter if she’s got a small butt, how smooth her cleavage is, how glossy her neckline looks, how sharp her eyes can stare, how glamorous her hair bounces, how trashy she is, how she hides behind her face, or how she behaves in her own unique way. Nothing matters more to me in matters of the heart, than a girls smile. If i catch that smile, it just takes my pain away. And for a second, suddenly i feel new again.

You could say its cause I’m probably thinking about the sex in the back of my head, or what kind of life i want to have with any of these strangers but it’s not true. What matters to me most, is that love is capable.

I always told myself that cheating is one of the most selfish things that a person can do to someone else, because if you accept the premise that you are in a relationship with someone who was WILLING to give every part of themselves to you; their time, their body, their thoughts, their company; and you could betray that so easily due to your weaknesses, then you simply just showed that person how much they meant to you. I always taught myself about not taking advantage of things and people and its a challenge, but the one thing i taught myself that stuck out the most was this. Anyone can love you, and if i understand the reasons why people need love and why they leave when they DON’T HAVE IT, then i can make my relationship work. ANYONE CAN LOVE YOU. ANYONE CAN LOVE ME. They don’t have to be smart, funny, sexy or energetic or anything really. I would take what i could get. Because i am 100 percent open. I wear my heart on my sleeve and my soul in a grin. I would put myself out there entirely. and anyone who can stand by me, and learn from me, and teach me things, and listen to me, have fun with me, make love to me, and grow with me, is a girl that id choose, a priceless woman. If anyone could love ME, from skin to blood and blood to bone, i could love them. If anyone could do that, then i would move heaven and earth to do the same, because let’s be honest, if you’re not searching for love, you’re wasting your time. If you are not searching for love, that’s when you will begin to notice it passing you by, every second of every day.

At first you’ll tell yourself, that’s gonna be me one day. I’ll bring my girl and parade her around my friends and family, not because i can but because i just see myself as being so happy at that point, that would seem like something i would do. Eventually however, the dreams, the hope, the love will weigh down on your heart.

If you’re not giving enough or taking enough in, it’s like a drug, and you can never get enough. When you think that you don’t need love, or comfort or even the slightest bit of compassion, that’s when it will exhaust, and extinguish you altogether. It will eat your soul away if you let it. It’s a lot like your body; if you don’t care for yourself, and others, then everything ceases, and it just becomes a system, and i feel as though i can never fully convey the point of this but to reiterate everything I’ve covered let me say this.

Consider the pain, the fucking loneliness, the moving in and out of our lives like ghosts.

Remember everything I’ve just described about my feelings as of late, and then remember this:

I wear my heart on my sleeve and my soul in a grin.
I’m not afraid of getting hurt, but afraid of ignoring it.

Nothing means more to me in matters of the heart, than a person’s smile; or to be more accurate,a woman’s smile. When I catch that smile, it goes to that special place, and it takes my pain away, and for a second, suddenly i’m new again, but certainly not whole again.

So if you’re like me, and you wear your heart on your sleeve, stranger or not, then we already know each other’s stories. We’re the kind of people that can see right through one another.

But be prepared to give it all, cause if you take my pain, and make me new, you’ll make me hope, and that’s a dangerous thing as of late.

No matter the struggle, I’ll never give in.

But there’s one thing you can’t see.

It’s the hope that’s killing me.

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Thoughts by Haven